"Mike prepares for the Zombie Apocalypse"

For the past several years, I have been doing my research for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse. Typing to you from my underground bunker I can tell you now what I have learned. Take heed, for when they rise I am totally not opening the door for anybody no matter how much you scratch at it.

Realistically, most of us will just be zombies, so if you haven't prepared don't sweat it. Maybe I'm just being a Nervous Nelly who buried a school bus beneath 7 feet of dirt in an undisclosed location (7 feet is the minimum, when they rise from the grave you will be under them). See? You are learning already!

On the outside chance you are not a zombie, you will need to defend yourself. I recommend a little league aluminum bat or perhaps a glass ashtray, both ow which have proven their worth on the battlefield. I will leave this up to you. Guns are overrated, they require skill and ammo, both of which will be rare in a post-zombie world. That is not to say I don't have a stockpile, but that is more for a barricade situation, and this cat needs to prowl. Bad-Ass!

Part of my plan is to link up with Steven Seagal. I will need his courage and know-how to take down Zombie Charles Bronson.

The other part of my plan is a rock montage where Seagal and I weld some re-bar to a GMC cargo van, stock it with chainsaws and high five. A tattered Jolly Roger flag will ripple ominously as we power slide from convenience store to liquor store raiding for the bare essentials. I hear he doesn't drink, but he will. He will once the zombies get here.....

I sincerely hope the zombies start with my neighbor. All I need is an excuse.